What’s up, all you sexy “patriots” who stormed the Capitol?

Dang! Who can look at the images of those virile, passionate individuals with their whimsical outfits and brightly colored flags energetically swarming the Capitol and not be enthralled? Whoo wee - where’s the dating app that can hook me up with one of them??!

Sadly — that gentleman hoisting the podium and grinning widely at the camera while running away has already been snapped up by some lucky gal— apparently he’s a father of five! (All the best ones are taken, amirite?) But there are thousands more, and I’d wager at least some of them are single and unburdened by pesky student debt. Or facts.

So here goes — I am a beautiful, single 25-year-old model (pictured above) just looking for someone down-to-earth. I understand that some of you may be in prison soon, but in addition to being beautiful, I’ll also be a swell pen pal — hit me up!